whiney

I promised myself that I am not going to use my facebook status message as an avenue to vent my frustrations about life etc.  so I am going to use my much less popular blog to bitch for a second.

IDL completely sucks, colors in IDL really really suck in particular, explaining how these things work to people when it depends on if you are plotting to the screen or to a postscript is also freaking annoying.  The fact that I can't just "do a bad job" and be lazy is also incredibly crappy and frustrating.  And I just banged my toe into my bed frame and i want to cry because it hurts really freaking bad.

Ok i feel a bit better.

I will not be teaching people how to use IDL again ... this is a one time only thing ... 

apartment

My apartment is clean ... other than a few dishes in the kitchen left over from last night ... it feels amazing!!

whole new life..

In the never ending somewhat pathetic saga that has become my life which i fondly refer to as "Rachel can't seem to find a guy to date in Fort Collins who she thinks is cute, smart, funny and nice, and who is also willing to think the same things of her" ... I have officially been rejected via text messaging.  While most people seem to view cell phones, facebook, text-messaging, and always being able to be reached via email as an amazing advance of technology ... I personally think that modern technology is ruining my life and making me more and more miserable.  I really don't think that I am built for our new technologically advanced world ... where is my horse and buggy??? where is my old school tape answering machine??? thats what I want to know.

I take rejection fairly hard, which might be one reason why i a) never really date and b) when i do date, I become someone not quite myself as I just to try and prevent the inevitable"rejection".  (Case in point ... after every break up I have ever had, I always think "wow, it's really nice to just be myself again" )... I am hoping that one day I will find someone I can just be myself with ... but as of yet that hasn't happened.

Ok so i've gotten a bit off track with this blog ... the point of this blog is to say, I hit an all time low this week and feel sad and lame.  But I think maybe it has finally kick started me back into being the cool person that I know I can be.  When I first moved to Fort Collins (before dating JD, and before the hell of writing my masters thesis) ... I used to be cool and active.  I took yoga, volunteered at 10,000 villages, joined a book club, went rock climbing, took a woodshop class etc etc.   Somehow after "becoming JDs girlfriend" and "living eating breathing my masters thesis and being miserable and insane" I forgot that I like to try new things and I like to have hobbies other than watching TV and complaining about my life.

So in the past three days I've made some major (and some not so major) decisions/changes about my life and they go something like this ....

1) I am going to apply for this fellowship in DC for the fall ... hopefully I get it and I can try something new for a few months

2) I am going to *hopefully* start volunteering at the raptor rescue project in Fort Collins ... and learn how to handle raptors!!!

3) I joined the local Sierra Club chapter ... and I want to start getting outdoors more often

4) I am going to take a pottery class this summer!!!

5) I've been super chatty with people at coffee shops this weekend and I've hopefully made a new climbing friend and also found a gradstudent who studies bio-fuels who might come talk to my class at CC!!!!

6) I'm going to start inviting people over to my house for "dinner and a movie" night ... since  I can't actually get a date, I might as well start hanging out with my friends (aka people who I actually like and people who actually like me back) ... so well if you want to hang out ... let me know, my schedule is pretty open :)

7) I am going to start internet dating ... ugh ahh why am I admitting this to the blog world ...this is kinda scary and I am worried about who/what is out there in this small little "town" .. so we'll see how this goes ... at the very least i'll probably have some funny stories to share? (in lieu of this, I am probably going to change the address on my blog so that I am not as easily "found" online ... i'll let all two of you who read my blog know when that happens)

So yeah, on the constant road to "improved happy rachelness" I am working on making things better!!

random

Going out and being sober is never quite as fun as going out and being drunk ... while I am 99% positive that I am far more annoying while drunk ... I am significantly less aware of how I must be annoying other people ... when I am sober and everyone else is drinking ... I always think that people hate me and that I am being annoying ... I am clearly insane 

Impossibilities

I wonder if I were more organized and cleaner, if I had a cute apartment that was creatively decorated, and if I wore cuter outfits and did my hair and wore more makeup ... would I actually be happier??  I always think that these are the things that would make me happier in life. maybe I should just try to be happier being the disorganize, disheveled, mussed up mess that I am on a day  to day basis??? ... who knows

Things that make working difficult

1) Loud banging and screwing noises on the roof of the Atmos building ... very very distracting

2) Horrible chemical glue smells seeping down from the roof ... cause headaches and pain

3) Power outages

4) Cute boys at coffee shops who you are trying to get to talk to you ... but who are not being cooperative

5) Trying to plan an IDL class ... BORING 

All of these factors are making it more difficult for me to actually get work done ... but they are very very supportive of my internet shopping addiction and my expensive coffee consumption :)